I love my mom but the attitude she has about certain things can be off-putting. I deem myself as a free spirit with an open mind. My mom is a little bit on the conservative side. She doesn’t like to talk about sex because she thinks certain things regarding it is a no-no. She can be a little religious at times and her whole attitude towards men is “fuck them”. I like having an open dialogue about sex. Talking about it no longer scares me or makes me uneasy. When I was younger, I didn’t want to talk about it but as I got older, I realize that I was encompassing my mom’s attitude about it. There are so many things I wouldn’t have tried before that I would gladly do now. I’m kicking myself for being so closed-minded when I was younger.
I am not a religious person. I chose to leave religion when I was 8 years old. The whole idea of religion was something that did not sit well with me, even still to this day it doesn’t. I am a spiritual person. I believe in the power of the universe, I believe in the power of crystals, tarot, meditation, etc. My spirituality has grown in the past couple of years. I realize now that I am an Empath.
My mom’s attitude towards men can be shitty! I realized that this attitude poured into my feelings about men. My mom has been hurt by every guy she’s been with, including my father. My parents were married for about 20+ years. The marriage ended because of something my father did, which I will not talk about here. It took him over 10+ years to finally apologize to her. My dad swears she is still the love of his life. My mom feels differently. My mom remarried after my dad and that marriage ended in divorce and some jail time on his side. She dated after and still no luck. Now, she is just through with men. They always seem to do something to hurt her. All of that has caused her to put up a mental and emotional wall.
So, I get it why she sees men in a bad light. I’ve never been in love and I’d like the chance to experience it at least once. I don’t want to write off something that I haven’t experienced before. Hell, things may be different for me. I’ve had crushes that led to nowhere and heartache on my side. I’ve had walls that I brought down for certain people only for me to put them back up due to pain. Sometimes I feel as if I am still dealing with it but, I know there is someone out there who is not going to hurt me, who is going to love me the way I want, need, and deserve to be loved. Someone who I can be my authentic self around. A partner in crime who is going to be there, be encouraging, support my goals, listen to me, be my shoulder to cry on, and understand me as no other person has before. I believe that and I know he is coming. Other people’s past pain should not be my burden to carry.